Me and my friends understand the future
I see the strings that control the systems
I can do anything with no assistance
Cuz I can lead a nation with a microphone
I woke up today hoping I would feel something again. I didn’t. I didn’t feel shit. Instead, I looked at myself in the mirror and hated the stranger I have become. I balled my fist and wanted nothing more than to bash it. It reminded me of a dresser my maternal grandmother had. My cousin and I used to pretend it was a dog house when we were kids and we played what we unimaginatively called “Dogs.” When things got bad, however, I’d spend a lot of time hiding there. Now I wish my adult body could curl up in between the spaces that made the legs of the dresser and pretend I never existed in this world.
I should be happy, right? I should count my blessings. I should be a lot of things, but I’m not. I’m, in fact, the complete opposite. I don’t know if the complications are real, or if I’m just imagining them because I refuse to allow myself to be fully happy, as if I’m trying to complete mypenance for all the sins I’ve done against others.
I’m not sure, but suddenly I have this connection with the movie Definitely, Maybe sans the daughter.
Will: Why are you so concerned with all of this?
Maya: ‘Cause I want you to be happy.
Will: I’m happy.
Maya: Trust me Dad, you’re not happy.
The Life of Ennui Prayer 