Category Archives: Humor

I’m just speechless

wtf?

I’m not a looker, so I can’t judge too much on the dude’s looks. But are you f’ing serious? Are you f’ing serious?! This has to be the funniest shit I’ve seen on Craigslist.

Stupid people amuse me

I Warship Satin!

I found this on a mistitled Dope song – it implies that the singer is actually Marilyn Manson. Youtube fighting ensued as those who knew it was Dope said so and others disagreed saying the singer was obviously Manson. One person even went as far to say that Dope is Manson’s band. Which is strange, because I thought that band was actually called Spooky Kids – well, it was, now it’s just called Marilyn Manson.

Cacophony

Yesterday was a bum day, well almost. It started with me feeling like vegging out on the couch watching movies. I spoke to Jyg for a little while before watching Garden Party – a must, by the way. After watching that, I started watching Mad Max, but then remembered to call Jyg because she wanted to go buy her new TV at Wal-Mart. The thing didn’t weight that much, so I agreed to go with her and get it. It was on sale, but still cost her $500. We went back to her place and I set it up because that’s what I’m good for and I remembered, while attempting to attach the stand to the flat panel, why I hate RCA products so much – they don’t just put the instructions for the product you just bought, but all the instructions for all the similar products. So there was about three different TV sets in that booklet and I gave up on attempting to figure it out through book and just did what I do best, figure it out on my own. That worked faster.

Batman CacophonyAfterward, we dropped by my place really quickly because I needed to take a pain killer and we went to comic book store that opened in Edinburg perhaps a year or two ago – Cyber Comics, I believe it’s called. Reason being, I was feeling quite nerdy and I wanted to buy the Kevin Smith Batman comic – Batman: Cacophony. Of course, I love Batman and I love Kevin Smith so the two only made sense, right? I haven’t bought an actual comic book from an actual comic book store since I was just out of high school. It was strange, but I liked the set up. I asked the clerks if there were any left and there was quite a few. I just bought the one, which they were surprised, but I told them if I looked around, I’d wind up spending more than I had originally planned because they had a dollar comic section and I know I’ll find a lot that I’d be interested in.

I liked the place and as I was leaving I told them I’d be seeing them next month when the second issue hit, and I will because the place seems a little more friendly than Myth Adventures in McAllen. Not to attack Myth, because they’re still one of the greatest comic stores in the Valley, but these people actually made conversation with me while checking to see if they had any in stock. Treated like a fellow comic book reader than just a customer from the street.

I paid for the comic and left with Jyg who called this mission a nerd mission. We went to McDonalds because the pain killer makes me queasy if I don’t eat something with it and it’d only been 15 minutes so I ordered a cheeseburger and we waited for both our meals. While doing so, Jyg noticed some lady just putting her drink on Jyg’s car. The lady who was with her and the one who decided to use the car as her personal cup holder, kept staring at something inside, or at least I thought they were staring at something inside. Leaving my comic book in their view, I began to wonder why they were taking so much interest in Batman. When we got back to the car, I noticed that there was a wing sticking out from the hood and a little bird had met its maker. We couldn’t come up with reasons why it would be stuck in the corner of the hood, but what really puzzled us is why the lady, after knowing there was a dead bird on the hood of the car, would put her soda there.

After arriving home, my mother pulled the thing out and we noticed that it’d been there for some time as the bird had decomposed. The mystery of the suicidal bird is still open. And Batman: Cacophony, despite the what the naysayers say, is totally worth it.

I, Nerd

Damnit – how much longer does one have to wait until he can watch Watchmen? I was reading, a while back, that it might have been postponed, but I’m sure that won’t happen because the “hype” is growing and there’s no way this movie can be pushed back because comic hungry nerds, such as me, are attempting to suffice themselves with other comic book movies that aren’t taking the cake.

In other Ennui news, I was catching up with Skepchick yesterday because I stopped reading a lot of the blogs I loved because I grew lazy. I regret doing this because it means I almost missed this zinger that had me in stitches. It’s a response made by one Andrés Diplotti on the subject of a spokesman of some diocese on the subject of garden gnomes. It seems that these “unnatural creatures” have no place in the church yards. Andrés Diplotti had this to say:

Unlike gods, which, as everybody is aware, are natural creatures. If I remember correctly, there are three identified species in a single genus: Deus pater, D. filius and D. spiritus ssp. sanctus. The last common ancestor seems to be D. iehova, which was once found in Middle Eastern deserts but is now thought to be extinct (Nietzsche, 1883). It has been argued that they should be reclassified as Homo, since apparently they can breed with H. sapiens. But others have countered that such an occurrence has happened only in a single, poorly documented ocasion, and furthermore, there is no indication that the offspring was fertile. (source)

It’s comments like that that just make my day chipper and brighter.

UPDATE: And this just disturbs me:

Huseyin Kalkan, the pro-Kurdish Democratic Society Party mayor of Batman, has accused the Batman movie producers of using the city’s name without permission, reports Variety.

“There is only one Batman in the world,” Kalkan said. “The American producers used the name of our city without informing us.”

It seems like George W. Bush and Sarah Palin aren’t alone in the world – there are other stupid leaders out there.

Exploitation is wrong, unless it’s funny…then it’s just funny

Funny math answerPeople need to grow a sense of humor rather than bash what’s funny because they don’t think it’s funny. There’s a lot of whiners in this world and they’ve found their way to WordPress. We can laugh at pictures like of stupid answers, but the moment we turn it around and laugh at something a sixth grader wrote, well, we’re in the wrong. Bleh. People are stupid. So what if “trucky niggets” is now available online for all to read? It’s not different than the good ol’ days when you would send something your kid did to Bob Saget  and get aired on national television – “Hey, look Junior’s on TV and he’s playing football in the house. Oh no, watch for that wall Junior – oh har har har!” But no one thought that was pushing it, because everyone loved America’s Funniest Home Videos and it was integrated into our pop culture. But the moment a paper is scanned and posted online, well there’s hell to pay because now not only does it show the entire world just how bad our education system is, but it also…wait, that’s the only thing.

Funny Math Answer 2The lack of a sense of humor in this country appalls me, but watching a couple of jackass wannabes on Youtube put a Roman candle up their friend’s ass, well that’s just comedy. Most of them are teens themselves, just a few years older than the Trucky Niggets kid. Of course, you’re laughing your ass off, rolling on the floor, ain’t ya, buddy? But people have to cry, curse and damn because they don’t have the same sense of humor as other people and therefore those other people must be wrong and must be damned. What do I know? I still laugh at the little girl falling off the swing joke. To this day, that still a classic joke for me.

Some strange things of the day…

dashboardWhat would a post such as this one be without the dashboard screen pic to show you the strange searches people make to get to my blog. I don’t know about you, but I worry about the masses when I read the things people type into search engines. I’m just glad jailbait isn’t one this time around, as it’s a rather popular term to find me. I swear, you write it once in a post and you’re cursed forever: Let this be a warning, choose your words carefully. Along with these marvelous searches, I’ve been plagued with the terms of “tongue on cock” which, if you know anything about anything on my blog, you’d know that the reason that appears is because of my Allen Ginsberg quote title post. But that’s the masses for yeah.

But this takes the cake. Well, I should say the cookie. Philosopher sent me the link and the humor is tickling me. I mean, the believers have long insisted that atheists are baby eaters. Now they’re half right.Just makes your mouth water, doesn’t it?

Jeff, the ER Nurse

Upon my many encounters with nurses during my hospital stay, none of them made any lasting impressing such as the first and the last. The first nurse was Jeffry, a tall white man with short hair. He made the most jokes – actually, he made them all.

I arrived at the ER at 6:00AM. Around 7:00 I was taken in to answer some questions and give a urine & blood sample, something WebMD told me would happen. By 8:00, I was already being escorted to ER “room” which I shared with the lady who entered the ER after I did, yet got in before me. I’m sorry, appendicitis trumps gastritis anyday, except on Thursday 23 October 2008.

A doctor came in and introduced himself, checked me out by prodding my belly with his sausage fingers and then slapping my stomach around after I said “OW! It makes my right side hurt!” He crossed his arms and said, “Yup. That’s an appendicitis. We’ll have to give you a CT scan to be certain.” That makes now makes four out of the five tests WebMD said would be given to me to be certain. The third one, if you weren’t paying attention was the prodding.

Jeffry entered later and hooked me up to the machine by strapping in my arm and putting a sticky pulse reader on my index finger. He then asked if there was anything I would like and then left after I shook my head. I was also now in a hospital gown that I hated. By the by, just because an ER is apart of the Children’s Hospital section doesn’t mean that all who go to the ER are children, so please, spare us the cutesy ID bands.

A little while later, Jeff returns with a pitcher of fluid I’m supposed to drink. I start to sit upright and he stopped me and said, “No. No. You stay lying down. You’re just going to open your mouth and I’m gonna pour this all down your throat.”

A look of fear and confusion wiped across my face.

“I’m just kidding,” he said.

After I finished the drink, which was an iodine concoction mixed with a sweet tea, I had to wait an hour before I could take my CT scan. However, a fire drill happened and we couldn’t leave the area. When that passed, the technician came and wheeled me out and took me to the room where I was then told that I had to sign a form that allows them to pump me up with even iodine. I asked what the consent form said.

“Basically,” the guy said, “it’s just stating that you might experience some symptoms if you’re allergic to iodine such as vomiting, nausea, dizziness, constriction of the throat, hives, itching, tightenness in the heart. Worse case scenario, your heart can stop.”

“Oh yeah, you really got me wanting to sign that now.”

Long story short, I freak out when the iodine is injected into me. As I’m being wheeled back to the ER “room,” I make the comment that looking up feels much like watching that one scene in Trainspotting. The guy has no idea what I’m talking about.

When I arrive back in, I now have an IV sticking out of my arm. The iodine had to get in somewhere, right? Jeffry returns, hooks me back up to the machines and then tells me if I’m alright. I replied, “Best ride ever.”

My mother, after Jeff had left, looked at my IV and said there was blood in it. They wouldn’t be able to use it if it had blood in it so they would have to now remove it and put a new one in. When Jeff came back, I asked. He said it was fine. I said okay.

“It’s one of those paranoid things of yours, hu?” he asked.

“No, I wouldn’t even have thought of it if it wasn’t for her,” I replied, pointing to my mother who was with me through the whole process (and because if I was going to be admitted to the hospital, I thought it would be best not to let  her worry in the ER lobby and then find out I’m way the fuck on the otherside of the damn hospital).

“Ah, Mom’s an enabler. You want me to kick her out? I can kick her out. I have that power. Just say the word and I’ll kick her out.”

I laughed.

He repeated his earlier statment that it wasn’t a problem, but mother continued to say that she heard so and so. “Ah, she’s still doing it. Just tell me I can kick her out.”

Mother stopped talking. I could tell she was now trying to figure out if he was serious or not.

“I’m just kidding,” he said. And then to me, “Stand up for your mother. You’re just lying there taking it all in. Tell me something.”

“As I see it, I’m the one with the thing in my arm and you’re the one with the power to put whatever you please into me. I’m gonna just stay neutral.”

A little while passed and an IV of antibotics was placed on me and the ER doctor return to say that it was in fact an appendicitis and I was going to be transferred to a room. I was then wheeled out which Jeff told me, in Spanish, that he wished me well and that he hoped everything would turn out great for me in the end. He then said, I used to say something else, but I was told that wasn’t a correct thing to say. I won’t repeat it because it doesn’t translate well and I don’t know the way to spell several of those spanish slang words.

I survived the first part of my hospital visit and managed not to experience the fifth test that WebMD promised me. Upon one of the many conversations with Jeff, I told him what I had read on WebMD about the things I would be going through. I went through the blood and urine, I said, and I just had the prodding done and soon the CT scan.

“What’s the last one?”

“Rectum.”

He made a face. Shook his head. “No. No. We don’t do that here. Are you crazy?”