this post is two years too late

Okay, so I’ve finally sat my ass down and watched the craptacular shitfest only known as Robert Bartleh Cummings’ (a.k.a. Rob Zombie) Halloween remake – or as some people want to believe, a reboot but it’s not. A reboot occurs when you have to imagine something old, restart with a fresh and, sometimes better, storyline. A remake takes a wonderful old idea that wasn’t broken to begin with and take a massive dump on it because you felt you had to express your input on it. Batman Begins is a reboot because of the atrocity of Batman & Robin; Halloween 2007 is a remake of a classic movie and Rob Zombie ate a really spicy bean burrito from Taco Bell.

Now that we have that out of the way, I want to say that directors who are responsible for remakes should in fact follow one golden rule: If you remake a movie, please do not start a whole new franchise of said movie. This, however, doesn’t stop you from remaking sequels of foreign movies, but to be honest, you shouldn’t have remade the first movie to begin (Japanese horror just doesn’t suit American movies [see: The Ring*, Pulse*, Godzilla, etc.] and they will never be as successful as the original outside of the theater – meaning, several snot-ridden teens will go to the movies to watch your rip off, but never buy the DVD).

Anyway. The movie, compared to Zombie’s first two movies, was a whole lot better. I suppose this can be accredited to the fact that Sheri Moon Zombie only appears at the beginning and isn’t a core character as she is in House and Rejects. A few of the actors in that duo movie set do make appearances in this film, only not important and you may dismiss them if you want – I couldn’t it. The film’s filled with Zombie-esque characteristics of skull fucking and saggy tits, however, loses its touch when it progresses into the actual plot. Meaning, I had forgotten I was watching a Rob Zombie film by the time Scout Taylor-Compton appeared as Laurie Strode. For those of you scratching your heads – if you haven’t already IMDBed her – Scout is probably known for her Gilmore Girls role as Dean’s little sister – I tell you I’m such a girl sometimes.

The movie did play a fresher look at the Michael Myers origin, but failed to keep me interested in the movie at times. I had to pause the movie, read something, write, or collect my thoughts in order to pursue it further. It was too deliberate at times, some of the lines felt too forced and took you out of the movie-watching experience. The only thing that stood out the most in this movie is the lack of gratuitous nudity, which is something Zombie’s second film seemed to hold on dear to. I’m not saying that the movie lacked nudity, because it wouldn’t be complete without – see Horror movie conventions – I’m just saying you don’t have to see Sid Haig fucking anyone.

So in conclusion, as a Rob Zombie movie, the films probably one of his best. However, as a movie in of itself, it lacked the certain charm that John Carpenter put into his original. With next month’s Friday the 13th remake premiere, I’m going to hope that directors put to rest the classics, because even if you call them remakes or reboots, they’re still not as good as the originals because the idea is familiar and no longer scary. For those of you who did like the film, celebrate, you’re getting a sequel. The rest of us will just cringe in our corners and sneer at our televisions. Me? I’ll probably be duped into watching them by dumb friends and family.

*These too films did spark a sequel, or in the case of Pulse, a trilogy. I’ve seen, unfortunately, The Ring 2, but haven’t watched any of the Pulse sequels. In fact, I didn’t know the film had a sequel until Pulse 3 was released.

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