Return of the hospital

I’ve been absent from blogging, haven’t I? It’s because there’s nothing much going on in my life and what is going on is difficult for me to talk about without wanting to curl up and bawl like a child. I suppose it’s not exactly the imagine on has of a guy, but I’ve never been a stranger to let my emotions overwhelm me. It takes a tougher man to let them out than to be cowardly and keep them in, right? Well, I’ve never been one for being manly or tough or whatever, and cowardliness is my practice. I don’t know now to ask for emotional support even when it’s offered to me on a daily basis. This year’s been shit from being hurt to hurting to all the other shit I’ve done that wasn’t nice or cool or proper. I’ve been quite the bastard this year, more so than any year that proceeded it. In fact, I can almost say my years with my ex were better than this year.

That’s all beside the point. My mother is going into surgery this week, Thursday to be exact. In my shit life, she’s always been a constant and I suppose that’s to be expected from a good mother, right? And I guess it’s that whole child’s approach of thinking your parents are indestructible and superman-esque. They can surpass anything and everything, but when realization hits you like a ton of bricks, you are left stricken that parents, too, are human and anything is possible. Jyg did the research that I wasn’t willing to because I’d rather not know what my mother will be going through. She said that most patients stay within the hospital for three days after the surgery. And I plan on staying all three with her and more if I have to.

The surgery comes in the week before the Xmas lunch/dinner that my mother and I host. My brothers divided the holidays since there are three of us and three of them. Older brother gets Thanksgiving, I get Xmas and the middle child gets New Years’. This year my mother planned early on what we’re going to do an whether or not she’ll be able to cook. I’ve limited to no, she cannot and she will probably only supervise and I’ll do most of the cooking. I have enlisted Jyg, my older brother, my sisters-in-law, my nephews and possibly niece to aid me in making the main course of the meal and I’ll work on the side dish. We’ll be having the lunch/dinner regardless of my mother’s condition (she wouldn’t want it any other way).

But things will be alright. I keep telling myself this but sometimes my words don’t reach my own ears. I don’t like to think of the what ifs. I really don’t.


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