“That there, that’s not me…” (Radiohead)

In a little while
I’ll be gone
The moment’s already passed
Yeah it’s gone
And I’m not here
This isn’t happening
I’m not here
I’m not here

I suddenly have a strange feeling and I’m not feeling well and I’m not thinking straight and I have no one to call because it’s late at night and I’m to only suffer alone. Something bad just happened. I don’t know what, and I probably won’t know what any time soon. I contemplate a shower and perhaps I could get through it without bursting at the seams. I feel hollow. I feel stranger. I feel like a person I used to be long ago. But I got help. I got help, didn’t I? My dreams aren’t making any sense. I dream of Jyg. I dream of old flings. I dream of girls I was once consider a part of. I dream of all my fuck ups. I dream of all my let downs. But the history is all wrong. I’m so torn in between and I’m thinking that an unspoken pact has now been destroyed. I don’t trust anyone the way I could. I don’t even think I trust myself in sticking out during the rough time. 

I have a BA in English. Doll reminded me that today. Yet, I don’t want to use it. I don’t want to use it because I don’t want to wake up ten years from now and realize I’m stuck. I don’t want to be stuck. I want to do the beat up jobs. I want to get dirty. I want to get frustrated. But I don’t want to do it with my BA. My BA’s just paper. It’s worthless and worth some thing all at the same time. I don’t know what is gripping my throat right now. I’m finding it harder and harder to breathe. A word. Love. Hate. Pleasure. Pain. Distress. Worried. Hands shake. I am beginning to think that if I’m ever going to be normal, I need to start at the bottom and weed out all this shit before I completely lose myself in these words. 

You don’t know who I am, so please don’t pretend. 

So please. Don’t pretend. 

I’m okay. Everything is okay now.


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