“Is there something that you’re trying to say” (Tantric)

I purposely forgot about
Loving anyone
Cause I’m the only one who has
Who has been stepped upon

Is there something that you’re trying to say
Cause I can take it
Cause I grew up a man this way
And if I’m hurt I’ll shake it

Alice was sad tonight. She called and we only spoke for a few minutes before she decided she wasn’t in the mood to talk to me – or anyone for that matter. I wanted to stay in bed, but I decided to return the virtual world and try to forget. Well, I didn’t and so I continued to think about it.

I don’t have any emotional attachment to her other than a friend. I’m glad we can get pass the whole once upon a time thing, but the thought has always lingered with me. There was a point when I did have strong feelings for her and I know she felt the same way for me. And after I made my declaration of love, the next day, I got up and left. I didn’t look back to see what could’ve been and I know I left because I thought in the long run, it was for the best. I wasn’t going to be with her because I was a bad person. I was still in that mentality of a child. I knew in the long run, I would only hurt her and by running away, I did what I thought I was avoiding.

Fast Forward to the 2006, I’m standing outside the Nueva Onda Poets’ Cafe calling her up on my cell phone and asking if she would like to join me. I’d called her a few times in the past, most of their failures. I called because a part of me wanted to call her and reconnect. Be friends. I thought I could mend bridges that easy, and for her, so she tells me now, it wasn’t that hard. But at that time, I’m thinking a part of me wanted to know there was a solace between us. That somehow she found it in her heart to let that little mistake of me hurting her go. For the second time in our lives, I ran away.

Fast forward to now. She’s married, unhappily. She feels trapped. She hates her job. She hates her life. She has ambition but no motiviation/support. At night, I think I’m the last chance guy to comfort her. Her husband’s a dumbass. The person who has titled himself the love of her life has decided to run away. And there I was, the beacon of hope. But as a ghost, I can’t help to feel that there’s something deeper to her presence in my life. And that’s when I noticed it.

Everything I did seven years ago, I’m doing again. I’m repeating my same mistakes. I’m reliving each moment I had with Alice with someone else. Funny thing is, I’m too much of a coward to fix it. Some things, I suppose. I dunno. Sometimes the only way to go is to go backwards. I’m sorry.


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