“Even if you don’t want to speak tonight that’s alright…” (Lifehouse)

I’m finding my way back to sanity again,
Though I don’t really know what I’m going to do when I get there.

Spoke to Alice again tonight. Words were shared that I never thought I’d say to her. No hidden confession bullshit, but resurfacing things that I’ve long kept inside my mind. Apology for just getting up one day and never spoke to her again. I tried to reconnect with her afterwards, but years after I had pretty much damaged our friendship. I fear I’m currently repeating old habits by pulling away. Sometimes I’m afraid that certain people don’t deserve me and not because I think I’m too good for them, but because they deserve someone more stable. Someone they can depend on.

We spoke in soft voices like we did in the past when I felt something for her. I don’t anymore, of course; the person I was then and ther person I am now differ greatly. The same goes with her. I remembered the nights when our secret relationship started, though it never bloomed anymore than one I love you and then my vanishing for a long period from her world. I got scared. I was this tainted person and she was virginal. I didn’t want to pollute her with me. I had the habit then of using those around me and leaving when I got bored. And some people deserve better.

Jenn‘s words affect me. I love her, too. I don’t think I say those words enough to the people I do love. I do love you, each and everyone of you, but I’m incapable of holding on to whatever this world has to offer. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to cause you pain. I’m working on myself because I don’t want you to think badly of me. And if I do hurt you, if I do let you down, then please understand it’s because you deserve better than me. And if I could offer you the world, I would lay this burden down and give you each pebble it has to offer. Sometimes, I wish I could a little more human and little less cowardly. And I speak to all of you, not just an individual. I do love each and everyone of you.

Suddenly I’m reminded of a scene from Lord of the Rings. I’m not sure if I can find it in the book, or a direct quote from the movie, but Frodo and Sam are trekking in the woods when the discussion of the weight of their mission is given. Sam responds that if there is a small good in this world, isn’t it worth fighting for?

I shall take the thunderhead of pain and make use of it. Maybe one day I will see the good this world has to offer. I may see those who have chosen to be good erase those who have decided to be producers of evil. Perhaps one day I’ll see the person you see in your eyes.


9 responses to ““Even if you don’t want to speak tonight that’s alright…” (Lifehouse)

  1. cornishevangelist

    From Billy

    Faith in Jesus is believing that God is and is a rewarder of them that diligently seek Him.

    Faith in Jesus boils down to just one thing, will you trust Him in life’s greatest trials? Paul the Apostle was a prisoner on a ship, when a great storm arose.

    The ship was in great danger of sinking, but God spoke to Paul by an angel who told him that if they all stayed in the ship it would not sink, and they would all be saved.

    What trust this took, how many of us would have tried some other way, maybe by swimming, or clinging to some piece of old wood.

  2. ennuiprayer1


    I published your comment not because it inspired me, but because I want others to read how downright pathetic it is to invoke god and Jesus where it wasn’t necessary. It seems those of you, but not all because I know some wonderful Christians who are probably not apart of your sect, who believe in a higher power move in during a person’s lowest point. While this may work on those who are easily manipulated, I assure you that it will not work on me. See that Scarlet Letter to the left of your screen? That letter stands for something I believe in, human rationality, logic and explanation. You may continue to post your comments and you may continue your cause, but do not believe that you have found a sheep in me.

  3. cornishevangelist

    Ok ennuiprayer I just thought it might bless you.

    Be blessed anyhow in Jesus

  4. ennuiprayer1

    I understand, and I thank you. Don’t think most times I don’t thank those who bless me or pray for me. It just irritates me when others feel the need to do it when it wasn’t called for. Despite the tone of this post, I am not in despair.

    When it comes to self help and religious intervention, I do believe in a more Buddhist approach. You shared with me and I shall share with you: “[The Buddha] distinctly tells us that every one must bear the burden of his own sins, that every man must be the fabricator of his own salvation, that not even a God can do for man what self-help in the form of self-conquest and self-emancipation can accomplish.”

    Maybe I’m wrong, or maybe you’re wrong, or maybe we’re both wrong and Scientologists – all deists forbid – are right. Either way we’re never certain until the end. If I’m right, I’ll never be certain. If you’re right, you’ll never be able to pass that information along and If Scientologists are right, then Tom Cruise must be their messiah. Perhaps one day, we’ll just settle for each other’s opinions.

    Thank you.

  5. One Question…. Where did science come from?

    If you trust Science like I do, God is Science he created us… we intern created science… God is the author… we are the illustration…

    God is the beginning…. How does science explain the beginning…. it doesn’t. Science assumes there were energies or particles around forever… But what really created matter? Only one explanation is God. Science shouldnt work to distroy God in this world … it should show us that God’s great design is more complex than we can ever imagine… After all this time were just scraping the surface of God’s design and just starting to understand his plan.

    Thankyou for your time!

  6. Matt,

    You can spend all your time playing with your imaginary friend, while those of us in the real world where we’ve left our imaginary friends behind a long time ago will continue following what we don’t believe and that’s to not believe in some imaginary friend up in the sky.

    But take this stance, the “creation” of an all powerful god, such as the one you insist is real and not a figment of your imagination, had the power to destroy all the other gods in this world either by forcing the “primitive” into a Christian (or Jewish, or Muslim) doctrine, or by killing off those who didn’t. Don’t say it didn’t happen because history says it did. The “primitive” also was tricked into believing into a Christian god in American history, whether it be North, South or Central.

    But Matt, you think science is a gift from god? Then answer me why so many people in various religions refuse the help of science as they deem it blasphemous and playing god. Of course, you probably think they’re wrong like most Christians are wont to do – not all, because there are several wonderful Christians that I love and hold close in my life even though I don’t agree with their beliefs and they might not agree with mine.

    But let’s face it, the existence of science is a human knowledge. To say it was given to us by god retards that. With science, we’ve proven that the earth is more than just a mere thousands of years old. Oh, but you ignored that, didn’t you Matt, when you decided to play the holier-than-thou peon that usually grace my blog. Thank you for your time, Matt, and I appreciate your stance. But there is no god up in the sky, just clouds. Just science.

  7. philosopherintheory

    I just have one statement in reply to Matt’s very belated comment on this entry. Science does not work to destroy god, science is used to find truth. It just so happens that the truth being discovered by applying science in the world doesn’t match typical theist definition of truth. Go figure.

  8. cornishevangelist

    Well JESUS is the Truth, what seems to be the foolishness of God is wiser than science and wiser than men and wiser than you.Faith is not seeing, faith in Christ is believing, do not have faith in what science tells you, have faith only in Jesus. The only true faith.

  9. I see we meet again Billy. Explain to me why suddenly, after all these months, I’m suddenly going to believe your argumentless argument as you provide me no information, no evidence, rather just blind faith – YOUR blind faith, I may add – into this and I say to you: explain to me why your god, and your demi-god are better than all the gods and demi-gods that were around centuries before Jesus, or the Jews? Is because Jesus was the supposed son of a god? Does that discredit Hercules?

    And if Jesus were the truth, what about the historical records of a man named Iesus who studied Buddhism? What about the parallels between the words of Christ and the words of Buddhist beliefs? You see, the blind faith man will tell me that god has a wonderful way of gathering all his children to believe in the same story, only with different characters in order for them to understand and accept.

    Now I’m not saying that don’t believe in god or don’t believe that Jesus was a son of a god or anything. We’re all free to believe what we want to believe and I choose to doubt the beliefs of the masses who pretend that they can tell others that their beliefs are asinine and wrong. Well, I’m sorry, but I’m not just going to sit here and take when historically it has been proven that those who are in control are also in control of the public’s religious beliefs.

    My argument here isn’t that god doesn’t exist because I’m not an atheist and I’ll leave that to the pros. My argument, however, is that like what the Judeo-Christian/Muslim (as some are willing to accept are one and the same) for all the other gods that came before his myth, science, too, will replace him. See, millions of gods have flickered out existence because of other gods. When those in power believed differently from the more “primitive” thoughts, they conquered and converted – or, in the case of those who will not go willing, killed. Christians are no different. And like all great creation myths, this god will too fall into the abyss of our thoughts. It’s only a matter of time and education. Amen?

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