I’m finding my way back to sanity again,
Though I don’t really know what I’m going to do when I get there.
Spoke to Alice again tonight. Words were shared that I never thought I’d say to her. No hidden confession bullshit, but resurfacing things that I’ve long kept inside my mind. Apology for just getting up one day and never spoke to her again. I tried to reconnect with her afterwards, but years after I had pretty much damaged our friendship. I fear I’m currently repeating old habits by pulling away. Sometimes I’m afraid that certain people don’t deserve me and not because I think I’m too good for them, but because they deserve someone more stable. Someone they can depend on.
We spoke in soft voices like we did in the past when I felt something for her. I don’t anymore, of course; the person I was then and ther person I am now differ greatly. The same goes with her. I remembered the nights when our secret relationship started, though it never bloomed anymore than one I love you and then my vanishing for a long period from her world. I got scared. I was this tainted person and she was virginal. I didn’t want to pollute her with me. I had the habit then of using those around me and leaving when I got bored. And some people deserve better.
Jenn‘s words affect me. I love her, too. I don’t think I say those words enough to the people I do love. I do love you, each and everyone of you, but I’m incapable of holding on to whatever this world has to offer. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to cause you pain. I’m working on myself because I don’t want you to think badly of me. And if I do hurt you, if I do let you down, then please understand it’s because you deserve better than me. And if I could offer you the world, I would lay this burden down and give you each pebble it has to offer. Sometimes, I wish I could a little more human and little less cowardly. And I speak to all of you, not just an individual. I do love each and everyone of you.
Suddenly I’m reminded of a scene from Lord of the Rings. I’m not sure if I can find it in the book, or a direct quote from the movie, but Frodo and Sam are trekking in the woods when the discussion of the weight of their mission is given. Sam responds that if there is a small good in this world, isn’t it worth fighting for?
I shall take the thunderhead of pain and make use of it. Maybe one day I will see the good this world has to offer. I may see those who have chosen to be good erase those who have decided to be producers of evil. Perhaps one day I’ll see the person you see in your eyes.