“I’m feeling it now and I feel anxious” (Tegan & Sara)

When I jerk away from holding hands with you,
I know these habits hurt important parts of you.
Remember when I was sweet and unexplainable?
Nothing like this person, un-loveable.

I just want back in your head.
I just want back in your head.
I’m not unfaithful, but I’ll stray.
When I get a little scared…

Sad, are we? The world is shattered. I haven’t slept much. It’s okay. I’m never healthy. I watched The Dark Knight again, this time with the Kid and Mother. I told them I’d take them last week, but a certain force of mother nature disrupted that plan. I’m writing in my journal. Words that I cannot pummel you with. Little secrets meant for me. Maybe someday, when I’m old and gray, I will pour out my sentiments to each of you. Maybe one day, I’ll turn around and see the sun rising and watching the world illuminated in beauty.

Maybe someday, I will have the ability to smile and actually me.

I feel alone, even when I’m with my friends. I feel alone period. My mind hasn’t yet adjusted. My heart is not whole. My soul, if I believed in a soul, is missing.  I’m alone. I’m not alone. I’m happy. I am sad. I am angry. I am not.

Dreams. Alice, a ghost of a girl that I could’ve been with had things been different, once told me that when you dream of those passed, it is a way for them to communicate with us so they are not forgotten. If that is true, why is it that I can’t make others dream of me? I never felt alive.

Alice once told me that it is human nature to believe in god. A god. Any god. Pick a god, any god. Put it back into the deck. Let me shuffle. I’m sorry, you picked the joker. The trick’s on you. What’s your Ace?

Take a walk. A bat almost flew down at me. I hate bats. Their teeth are tiny. One can bite you and it goes unnoticed. Two cats fuck. One cat is forced. Two dogs. Another dog. Dogs run freely in the streets. Sometimes I wish I could take a pellet gun and shoot my neighbor’s dog. Who am I to pass judgment over these creatures?

Can’t feel my arm sometimes. It goes numb. Where do we go after we die? Is death just a numb feeling that lasts and lasts? Our minds, do they exist outside of our body? Are they on going?

Hair’s getting too long. Too long. I sound old. I feel old. I feel stupid. I feel like I’m wasting my life on frivolous habits and dreams. Life isn’t about achieving your dreams. American dream. Fucking, eating, sleeping, making money. Fucking eating sleeping making money. Picket fence. White house. Good neighborhood. No drugs. No adultery. No misery. No school shootings. No me.

I need to get my head checked. I need to feel something again. I need to feel something. I need to feel. I need to. I need.

Scatter this thoughts, like my ashes, and watch the wind take them away. Maybe someday I’ll find it. Goddamn rainbow connections.

Yes, that was a joke.

Nobody likes to,
But I really like to cry.
Nobody likes me,
Maybe if I cry.


2 responses to ““I’m feeling it now and I feel anxious” (Tegan & Sara)

  1. scary isnt it…we focus our lives so much on attaining and possesing and in the end, end up just where we started off from….alone and empty of life, of possessions, of all the world says we must search and chase after….beleive me..youre not the only one who has wondered what it is all about sometimes…and i am a christian…stenched deeply from the religious background in which i was bought up…then you leave home and its village mentality…see the world and its greed and all the questions start…
    nothing wrong with asking them i say
    becuase you never know how much of us are asking the same thing
    you write with such emotion, i can feel every line you wrote..
    it’s good to write i say
    get it all out and you will feel again

  2. philosopherintheory

    It’s not human nature to believe in a god, it’s our nature to try to explain away the things that hurt us even when there is no good explanation. For some, god fills that hole. The joker isn’t a trick, it’s your wild card. It’s up to you to determine its value. It’ll come to you.

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