“Does it make you happy you’re so strange” (The Smashing Pumpkins

Delivered from the blast
The last of a line of lasts
The pale princess of a palace cracked
And now the kingdom comes
Crashing down undone
And I am a master of a nothing place
Of recoil and grace

The sound is so familiar, this voice beneath the pain and the sadness. Like sleep, this voice rejects me. Last night I fell asleep at a more decent hour, but I find it hard to even close my eyes tonight. What depression have I found? How deep does this void go?

The world depresses me. The people who inhabit it depresses me. The people who I hold close to my heart have been hurt by my words or my lack of them.

I want to let people in, but I fear that things aren’t going to be the way they were before. I don’t like change. I don’t like things to fall apart in my hands. I like the bitter songs. The melancholy. I like the abandoned sense I feel. I must like it, otherwise I’d find my way out of this hole.

When I was a kid I thought I was Jesus Christ. When I was a kid, I was still foolish enough to hold false notions of life. When I was a kid, I had an imaginary friend I looked forward to meeting. When I was a kid, I had a dream with praying mantises crawling all over the floor, all over my body. I’m deathly afraid of them to this day. The praying mantis is my symbol of fear.

And in the mess of the green bugs, there stood a girl whose face was shrouded by her own red hair.

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3 responses to ““Does it make you happy you’re so strange” (The Smashing Pumpkins

  1. jenndiggity

    I’m sending out a thread of love aimed right at you. Quick! Catch it!

  2. Ben Hoagland

    Do you know what ennui means?
    I find this website particularly ironic.

  3. Ennui Prayer

    No, I’m a complete fucking douche bag who just picks a word at random and uses without fully understanding its definition. Ever noticed that the blog pseudonym I’ve chosen is Ennui Prayer, and the title of the blog is The Life of Ennui Prayer? So perhaps, I’m not using the detonation of ennui, but using it as MY NAME in the site address? Did you think about that Mr. Man?

    …Now before you get all huffy and puffy about my words above, I did state I was a douche bag.

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