And so when you’re down
I’ll lift you up I’ll be the one
Who’s always sure of where you are
and all the things you need to know,
And when you’re tired and think the moon
forgot to shine on you you’ll see,
Just wait for me to show you.
I have to laugh, really, at myself because I am quite the fool at times. Normally, I say things like that out of jest because it’s better to laugh at yourself. But now I feel like I’m going nowhere with myself and things are getting worse and worse on the home front. Typical, isn’t? The underachieving smart guy who could’ve excelled through school, but fears of being caught of knowing things. Not that intelligence is a bad thing, but when you’re smart and people know you’re smart, they expect so much more from you. Average, I say. As long as you know you’re smart, don’t be stupid and let others know as well. Otherwise it’ll be that whole bigger and harder falling.
Mother’s uncertain. To choose the mechanism or the surgery. My mother and I have always been close, but lately, I feel like I’m that adolescent boy pushing away from her because I’m having my own problems. I do this every time I’m unsure about things. I’m unsure about things. I’m always unsure about things. She asked me for help with the decision, but in the long run, I know that the surgery’s the best thing for her because it’s a one two three thing and she’s out, after a few days stay at the hospital. The last time this happened, was sometime two years ago. And I wound up at the beach with Jyg, Philosopher, Binx and Doll. But my mother was taken in for the procedure and was released the same day. This one will cripple her for a few days because of her diabetes. It’s always been about that.
Mortality, it would seem, has sneaked up behind me and bit me in the ass. There was a time when death didn’t scare me. It would be foolish to be scared of death. Most who are scared of death, also fear living. Have I become just like them? Once, a friend said I have become disenchanted with being disenchanted. No. I’ve just become too afraid of living. Too afraid of trusting. Too afraid of even being myself. And I know it’s a shitty thing for me to say because the times have changed, but I’m too far damaged to even feel like I can open up like I did once. The fear of rejection is there now, like it had all those years before.
So here, I sit, waiting for that hand to take mine and lead me somewhere else. I just want someone to show me.