Sigh

June 1st. The world pretty much hasn’t changed. A year ago, I was depressed. This year I’m depressed. I have a tumble blog now.

Taste the bitter pill of a dreadful reality

The last time I left you, I wasn’t sad. I was on the brink of being happy again. But that ship has sailed in the month’s span that lies between this post and the last.

When is it time to give up on the dream and just stop pursuing it? When is it time to accept reality?

On the LMN Natalie Holloway movie

Am I the only person on earth who thinks a movie on the Natalie Holloway case is unnecessary? For give me for being an asshole, but the name Natalie Holloway really translates to Dumb White Blonde Bitch who probably got what she deserved in the end. As for her mother, well she’s Dumb White Blonde Bitch, Sr. In what sane world do you turn a blind eye to your high school graduate going off to some song featured in a Beach Boy’s song? (I wonder if that’s going to be the opening credits song.)

I don’t feel any pity, sympathy for the family. If the girl was dumb enough to go off with a group of strangers in a strange country, then she pretty much got hers. I mean, I know people who go to other countries and they don’t get kidnapped and sold into sexual slavery. Why? Because they’re not Dumb Whit Blonde Bitches, that’s why.

With that being said:

“Don’t Pray for me…” (Tim Skold)

Don’t pray for me
I don’t need your sympathy
I don’t want your god protecting me
Don’t pray for me
I don’t want your empathy
I don’t need your savior saving me
Don’t pray for me

Jyg found a leaflet on the door when she came to the house after school. She handed it to me. The paper was rolled up, but I recognized the M.O.: Jehovah’s Witness had made a stop at my house and left the pamphlet. I unrolled it to see that it was completely in Spanish. I sighed. “I don’t see why have to assume because we’re Hispanic, we automatically write, speak, talk Spanish.”

“What’s wrong?”

“They’re trying to save us and they’re doing it in Spanish,” I replied.

Ever since my confrontation with a Jehovah Witness and a Mormon (on different occasions, I should add), my house seems to be on top of the list when it comes to saving. Believer beware, there’s a doubter in there!

Okay, I get it. Some of you need God in your lives because it’s a foundation, others need it because of some misguided sense of morality. God doesn’t make moral, you do. And while you preach the end of the world, don’t drag me down to your hell fire. It’s just a simple favor. I don’t go around to your house with empirical data and say, “Would you like to be a doubter today? You’ll love it. You don’t have ever feel bad again. That big brother in the sky, simply gas and air. Don’t worry.”

On second thought, I’m going for a walk.

You know, we’re a dying breed you and me…

more about “My Own Worst Enemy | Lit | Music Vide…“, posted with vodpod

I feel like the 90’s ended too soon.

Fearful for the wicked.

“Tells me don’t stop dancing and she’s pulling me near” (She Wants Revenge)

more about “The Number 23 ~ She Wants Revenge ‘Te…“, posted with vodpod

It’s only just a crush, it’ll go away
It’s just like all the others it’ll go away
Or maybe this is danger and you just don’t know
You pray it all away but it continues to grow

It’s funny how things work out in the end, isn’t it? How out of nowhere, suddenly these ghosts come out of the woodwork and into my lives again, attempting to see if anything has changed. While, not much in my life has changed, theirs have completely altered in a way that is unspeakable.

I don’t want anymore ghosts. I don’t want anymore of the what ifers coming into my life because I’m not feeling right in the head. I did something I’m beginning to feel high remorse about. I’m sorry, I just wasn’t strong enough, I suppose.

“you won’t be there”

review my wishes
for fair weather
’cause I know if the clouds with rains or snows
you wont be there
how weak is that?
wish I was worth it
to you

There is only buzzing. Static. I don’t need this. I really don’t. Not now.

“Japanese children in your bed…” (Fight Like Apes)

Lovely noise
lovely noise that makes you love me

Dedicated to the spaz. You know who you are. If you’re reading this, I hope you’re smiling.

What’s it really getting me?

There’s a moment in time
And it’s stuck in my mind
Way back, when we were just kids

Cause your eyes told the tale
Of an act of betrayal
I knew that somebody did

Oh, waves of time
Seem to wash away
The scenes of our crimes
But for you this never ends

Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?
Kristy are you doing okay?
A rose that won’t bloom
Winter’s kept you
Don’t waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away

My New Year’s resolution was more a attempt to do something I’m good at even better. I don’t know, maybe it’s the walking, or the movies, or something I’m doing different, that I’ve realized that while my full intention was to be the greatest asshole I could be might not be my best choice in the world. Sometimes ghosts come back into your life to make up for all the shit you did in the past, not to fix something that is to come.

I think of Alice as my Dr. Prashar in this case and I’m simply Dr. Pincus sitting on the chair looking up at the ceiling listening to the final piece of advice my college has for me: “At some point in your life you’re going to have to stop and ask yourself the ultimate question: This business of being such a fucking prick, what is it really getting me?”

I think I need to rethink my idea of what is important to me in this world and push away the bad and be happy for a change. Because I can’t continue to walk down this path. I’m getting old; it’s getting old. I probably have no reason to be writing this. A lot of you probably think I have no right. The other day, I passed a church and thought how much easier it was to believe in the past and just kneel and pray. The thing is, even in those days, I felt empty. No matter how much I have, I will always feel empty. I feel empty and scared and no matter what I do it’s always the wrong move.

What has being an asshole gotten? Less friends and being less trustworthy, that’s what. Don’t respond to the post.