On Watchmen

After all the negative shit I’ve read about Watchmen, I think I’m morally incline to say this the following:

Watchmen isn’t for…

1. The Philosophically stupid, or expect “realism”
2. People who think it’s a typical superhero movie
3. Children, and,
4. Those who don’t understand the concept of the graphic novel, or of alternate times

Thank you. That is all.

On the LMN Natalie Holloway movie

Am I the only person on earth who thinks a movie on the Natalie Holloway case is unnecessary? For give me for being an asshole, but the name Natalie Holloway really translates to Dumb White Blonde Bitch who probably got what she deserved in the end. As for her mother, well she’s Dumb White Blonde Bitch, Sr. In what sane world do you turn a blind eye to your high school graduate going off to some song featured in a Beach Boy’s song? (I wonder if that’s going to be the opening credits song.)

I don’t feel any pity, sympathy for the family. If the girl was dumb enough to go off with a group of strangers in a strange country, then she pretty much got hers. I mean, I know people who go to other countries and they don’t get kidnapped and sold into sexual slavery. Why? Because they’re not Dumb Whit Blonde Bitches, that’s why.

With that being said:

This sounds familiar

I’m watching LMN and there’s this movie called Devil’s Diary. The plot of the movie is that this girl (well, two girls, but the movie is only about one) finds this innocent looking diary with something scribed in it about whoever gives up their soul to the book will be given ultimate power. So the girl writes down how she wants a cheerleader to break both her legs and guess what? She breaks her legs.

So the girl writes something in a journal and it comes true. Hmm…this sounds a little familiar. Several mothers around the nation now have something in common with their nerd sons and daughters.

this post is two years too late

Okay, so I’ve finally sat my ass down and watched the craptacular shitfest only known as Robert Bartleh Cummings’ (a.k.a. Rob Zombie) Halloween remake – or as some people want to believe, a reboot but it’s not. A reboot occurs when you have to imagine something old, restart with a fresh and, sometimes better, storyline. A remake takes a wonderful old idea that wasn’t broken to begin with and take a massive dump on it because you felt you had to express your input on it. Batman Begins is a reboot because of the atrocity of Batman & Robin; Halloween 2007 is a remake of a classic movie and Rob Zombie ate a really spicy bean burrito from Taco Bell.

Now that we have that out of the way, I want to say that directors who are responsible for remakes should in fact follow one golden rule: If you remake a movie, please do not start a whole new franchise of said movie. This, however, doesn’t stop you from remaking sequels of foreign movies, but to be honest, you shouldn’t have remade the first movie to begin (Japanese horror just doesn’t suit American movies [see: The Ring*, Pulse*, Godzilla, etc.] and they will never be as successful as the original outside of the theater – meaning, several snot-ridden teens will go to the movies to watch your rip off, but never buy the DVD).

Anyway. The movie, compared to Zombie’s first two movies, was a whole lot better. I suppose this can be accredited to the fact that Sheri Moon Zombie only appears at the beginning and isn’t a core character as she is in House and Rejects. A few of the actors in that duo movie set do make appearances in this film, only not important and you may dismiss them if you want – I couldn’t it. The film’s filled with Zombie-esque characteristics of skull fucking and saggy tits, however, loses its touch when it progresses into the actual plot. Meaning, I had forgotten I was watching a Rob Zombie film by the time Scout Taylor-Compton appeared as Laurie Strode. For those of you scratching your heads – if you haven’t already IMDBed her – Scout is probably known for her Gilmore Girls role as Dean’s little sister – I tell you I’m such a girl sometimes.

The movie did play a fresher look at the Michael Myers origin, but failed to keep me interested in the movie at times. I had to pause the movie, read something, write, or collect my thoughts in order to pursue it further. It was too deliberate at times, some of the lines felt too forced and took you out of the movie-watching experience. The only thing that stood out the most in this movie is the lack of gratuitous nudity, which is something Zombie’s second film seemed to hold on dear to. I’m not saying that the movie lacked nudity, because it wouldn’t be complete without – see Horror movie conventions – I’m just saying you don’t have to see Sid Haig fucking anyone.

So in conclusion, as a Rob Zombie movie, the films probably one of his best. However, as a movie in of itself, it lacked the certain charm that John Carpenter put into his original. With next month’s Friday the 13th remake premiere, I’m going to hope that directors put to rest the classics, because even if you call them remakes or reboots, they’re still not as good as the originals because the idea is familiar and no longer scary. For those of you who did like the film, celebrate, you’re getting a sequel. The rest of us will just cringe in our corners and sneer at our televisions. Me? I’ll probably be duped into watching them by dumb friends and family.

*These too films did spark a sequel, or in the case of Pulse, a trilogy. I’ve seen, unfortunately, The Ring 2, but haven’t watched any of the Pulse sequels. In fact, I didn’t know the film had a sequel until Pulse 3 was released.

The L Word, Max Payne and other nonsense

It’s taken me about a week since the premiere to write about The L Word. Sad, I know? But yeah, I’m still gathering all the angst about it. The same day I wrote the who do you think will die post, I was finally tempted to watch the spoiler. Even before its release and my post, I had already guessed that it would be Jenny, so it wasn’t much of a surprise. I’ve accepted the fact already. As for the whole Shane thing, I asked once who people thought Jenny was talking to at the end of the Season Five – Shane or the girl whose name I have already forgotten? I was right on my assumption there, as well. I don’t know how the season will end – we only have seven episodes left – but I do know that I’m not going to miss a second of it.

By the by, doesn’t that scene at the end seem oddly familiar? Not to mention there seems to be a cheater faction and a cheated-on faction? Bravo, ladies.

Moving on. I’ve never been much a fan of Max Payne video games – The Binx once tried to get me to play the sequel but with no avail – but I finally sat my ass down and watched the movie. I must say, it was not as horrible as most video game turned movies are. There might be high hopes for the franchise if they continue it, but let’s be reasonable, shall we? If it does bloom into something big, cut it off at part three. As most people know, something bigger than a trilogy tends to get a little asinine.

I have a lot of time on my hands tonight, so I’m going to finally submit to everyone’s demands and watch the craptacular piece of Rob Zombie shit known as the Halloween remake. I haven’t watched it yet, but I’m sure I’m going to ban his music from my ears for another month (I did the same with House of a 1000 Corpses, and sorta banned him for week for The Devil’s Rejects, which was better, but still a pile of steaming shit). I’ll write about that later – though I know most of you already have watched it and it’s old news – really old news.

I just looked back at my old blog, damn, the writing there seemed to be more energetic than this one. What the fuck happened?

Thank goodness for reboots

How did I let this one by me? I claim to be a big nerd, yet I let this movie trailer or even the rumor of the movie evade me. I’m getting a tad rusty, fair readers. Anyway, I don’t have much to say, so here’s the trailer:

You have to admit it’s better than this:

And for those of you upset that the clip didn’t have Jean Claude:

People. What a bunch of bastards!

more about “UN Ad Against Land Mines – Video“, posted with vodpod

I was an asshole last year and I’m pretty sure I’m gonna continue being an asshole this year. I mean what’s the point in changing right? Take for example the video above. Does it make me a horrible person that I find that video laugh out loud goodness? It’s not my fault that I have a dark sense of humor, but at least I didn’t put some Benny Hill music on it like some people.

Hollywood has created the stigma that all assholes, given the opportunity, will change. The other day, I watched a movie with Jyg and them with my mother called Ghost Town. I’m sure you seen it, or at least heard of it. Here’s the premise: Asshole dentist goes to the hospital for a colonoscopy and dies during the process because he opts for general anaesthesia. When he is released back into the world, he begins to see dead people, of which is another asshole who thinks his reason for being left on earth is to stop his wife from marrying a would-be asshole lawyer. He makes a deal with the dentist – if he agrees to stop the marriage then he’ll tell the other ghosts to back off. Of course, like the old golden age Hollywood premise, the asshole dentist gets a rude awakening and starts to lighten up.

Don’t get me wrong, I loved the movie and suggest you go out and rent it or buy it or Netflix it – whatever floats your boat, buddy. The thing is that in a time for a new beginning, rewriting yourself (something we swear we’re gonna do every fucking New Year’s), I’ve decided that rather than trying to change myself, I’m going to attempt to perfect what I already have. Meaning?

I’m gonna be an even bigger asshole than I was last year. Happy New Year’s everyone.

And somewhere, a great comic book hero is crying

I keep seeing the trailer for Punisher: War Zone and a word comes to mind. What was that word now? Oh yeah, atrocious. Like with The Incredible Hulk, Punisher’s been rebooted. However, I don’t understand why because the first one, while not great, wasn’t that bad either. I catch it whenever it’s on FX, though I still have to wrap my head around the whole John Travolta thing because I don’t really care much for him as a villain in a film based off a comic book.

Okay, maybe this movie’s more your thing because you’re the sort of bone head who loves mindless violence and things blowing up because the dark screen gets all bright. I don’t know the first one had me wanting to see it in theaters, though I didn’t because I was a college student and broke (not much different now, only I’m no longer a student), but this film has me wanting to stay away from the theater until it is passed through the bowels of the building like the piece of shit it is. And bringing in Jigsaw as the main villain, what’s up with that? Apparently LionsGate didn’t think we had enough cut up villains in our lives this year that they had to provide us with yet another one. I’m sorry, I’m sticking to the Joker because he was immortalized on screen once again.

But I was reading up on the whole rebooting comic films because of the success of the new Batman series. Which is why we got The Incredible Hulk rather than a pitiful sequel to Hulk. Apparently, as the rumor mill will have it, Todd McFarlane wants to bring Spawn back as a reboot, and then there’s the Man of Steel, which has also been rumored as a reboot. I suppose we’ll see in the future, right?

I, Nerd

Damnit – how much longer does one have to wait until he can watch Watchmen? I was reading, a while back, that it might have been postponed, but I’m sure that won’t happen because the “hype” is growing and there’s no way this movie can be pushed back because comic hungry nerds, such as me, are attempting to suffice themselves with other comic book movies that aren’t taking the cake.

In other Ennui news, I was catching up with Skepchick yesterday because I stopped reading a lot of the blogs I loved because I grew lazy. I regret doing this because it means I almost missed this zinger that had me in stitches. It’s a response made by one Andrés Diplotti on the subject of a spokesman of some diocese on the subject of garden gnomes. It seems that these “unnatural creatures” have no place in the church yards. Andrés Diplotti had this to say:

Unlike gods, which, as everybody is aware, are natural creatures. If I remember correctly, there are three identified species in a single genus: Deus pater, D. filius and D. spiritus ssp. sanctus. The last common ancestor seems to be D. iehova, which was once found in Middle Eastern deserts but is now thought to be extinct (Nietzsche, 1883). It has been argued that they should be reclassified as Homo, since apparently they can breed with H. sapiens. But others have countered that such an occurrence has happened only in a single, poorly documented ocasion, and furthermore, there is no indication that the offspring was fertile. (source)

It’s comments like that that just make my day chipper and brighter.

UPDATE: And this just disturbs me:

Huseyin Kalkan, the pro-Kurdish Democratic Society Party mayor of Batman, has accused the Batman movie producers of using the city’s name without permission, reports Variety.

“There is only one Batman in the world,” Kalkan said. “The American producers used the name of our city without informing us.”

It seems like George W. Bush and Sarah Palin aren’t alone in the world – there are other stupid leaders out there.

Home Alone on Halloween

My staples were removed yesterday. The hole where the Jackson Pratt drain was placed last week is sealed up. However, while I’ve been going out (like to the doctor’s and the hospital to make arrangements to pay for my surgery and stay), I don’t think I’ll have the strength to last a Halloween party or a trip to the bookstore. Instead, I’m home alone reading: story of my fucking life.

I’m not sure how one deals with the after surgery week. It’s been a week. It was a week Thursday. And now I’m here, staring at my computer screen, every once in a while, picking up Tolkien. I thought about watching scary movies, but my eyes hurt. I thought about taking a walk, but what if I get weak? I thought about calling friends, but what will I say? I’m bored here, at home, alone, reading The Silmarillion.

I haven’t even voted yet, but now there’s not chance until election day. I never vote on election day. I early vote. I hate lines. I hate bastards who bitch about waiting so long. I’m one of them, but I have reason. Since early voting started, I’ve felt like shit – What’s your excuse? All this week I’ve dedicated my time to watching the entire trilogy of The Lord of the Rings – and not the theatrical releases, but the extended versions. I’ve really nerd it up. The Matrix trilogy is there waiting for me as well. I feel like watching Sin City, though. I feel like going out. I feel like if I do this stuff, I would feel better, but I know myself. I’ll be out and then I’ll start feeling week.

I should’ve pushed myself to go to Jyg’s sister’s Halloween party. I was going to dress up in a gorilla mask and gloves with a blazer, a nice shirt, slacks and dress shoes. When asked what I was supposed to be, I was going to either reply, “A republican,” or “A McCain supporter.” Jyg’s brother-in-law, by the way, is both. I don’t know. If I had gone and if I had gotten sick then there would be conflict somewhere in the night and I’m too weak to deal with conflict. I hate conflict.

Oh well, I think I hear Tolkien calling me again.